Dance with Elf

That night at coffee shop, J, you and I were sitting together and playing the cards. The outside was raining, and the inside was buzzing with talks and laughers. You and J kept teasing me about my bad plays. You laughed like a schoolboy. The atmosphere here was so comfortable that hypnotized me into the belief that all this would last forever. But the spell of the party was soon broke by a call for J. He had to take off for a while. After he left, things became strained. I didn’t know whether it was due to myself, or just due to my own imagining. The fact that we were left along somehow nerved both of us, and slowly the jaunty spontaneity of our meeting was ruined, disintegrated. You tried to crack up some jokes, and I tried to give the proper response to it but we both failed, which doubly damned the situation, first by the ice between us, then by taking such pains to try to break it. Funny how quickly a scene could change.

Then you turned to the newspaper and seemed to have already forgotten my appearance. Distance had intervened between us, that was all.

“ I got R’s offer letter.” The phrase came out of me so clearly that I was almost started by my own voice, and I realized how awful the silence between us had been. You raised up your head quickly, I lowered down mine because I was afraid if I looked into your eyes, I’d turn to stone.

 “ Congratulation!” I heard you said briskly, “ R is famous for its fat paycheck. Now you are satisfied, aren’t you? You’re such a freaking material girl!” The words were supposed to be light and joking, but the tone seemed somehow flat and hollow, like lyrics set to the wrong melody.

Shrugged my shoulder, I looked up and gave you my brightest smile: “ You know me!” So that’s it. I thought to myself. A perfect ending for everyone.

Then you took a cigarette out of the case, and were flicking unsuccessfully at the lighter. “ Damn it.” It bothered you so that you threw the lighter on the table. I took it, and with one sharp movement, your cigarette lit. You tried to give me a thank-you smile but it just froze on your lips.

“ So you will go to Shanghai. It’s a good place, and expensive too.” Your voice was unusually tentative, and for a moment I didn’t know where you were getting at.

In the following few minutes, you were talking about Shanghai, the expensive life there; the hostility of Shanghaiee, and the pressures. I didn’t know whether I should regard it as the simple concern from a friend or just the other version of “ Stay, don’t go.”

“ I stay.” Spontaneously I uttered out those words. “ Are you sure?” You seemed to be caught up off guard. Though part of me tried to hold back, but the other part refused to cooperate and the other part succeed. I heard I was saying: “ I stay, because you asked me to stay.”

For a moment, you were completely lost at the words and just stared at me. I burst into a laugher and said: “ I’m joking. In fact I’ve already made up my mind. The idea of starting from zero in a strange city just scared me. But it’s not easy to turn down a fat offer. I need a little push. Anyone’s advice would be the factor in my decision-making process.  You know, I hate to take the responsibility to make the decision.”

The expression on your face suddenly softened. “ You are impossible!” You said.

So that’s it. The relationship between us is quiet a myth. It started from quite innocent acquaintance, and then it grew more exquisite. It became something indefinable, something that no world would explain. Something too tenuous to bear the weight of any words. One minute you’re purely enjoying my company, and the next minute you are pushing me away. Just like that, we are in this distance closeness and try to keep it that way. Things are all about a game: we cross the line, we loose. Sadly I know, one day when I couldn’t bear it any more, I would walk away from your life completely. And that day, I would be free.